I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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