Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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