Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize