im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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