Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
