You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm passing your future prison.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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