yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
