AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
