I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
