Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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