I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
