Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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