My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
