Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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