Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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