we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
