I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
