MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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