Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
