hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
