The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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