Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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