My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
