Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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