does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
