Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
