Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
