No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
