I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
