I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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