i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
