the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
