Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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