there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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