So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
