my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I am midnight drunk by noon
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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