Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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