If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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