Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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