i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
