hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
