I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
