you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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