you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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