i think i have herpe
just one?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
