I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
