Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
