I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He did a backflip because drugs
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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