when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
