i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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