You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
