You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
