Need sex. Gaining weight.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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