you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
