If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
