He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
