We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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