I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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